There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
