i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Holy shit dude........stairs
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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