i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it's like heaven, but drunker
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
