i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
