So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
A bitchslap is in order.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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