Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
