And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
