I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
