1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
