ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
