Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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