I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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