My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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