New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
