Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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