i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
