No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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