I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
