NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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