Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
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I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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