so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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