Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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