I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
