I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There r osticjed everywhere
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
