babies were throwing up all over the place
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
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