one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
