i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
