I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
