i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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