Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
