I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
