I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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