Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
