you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
