I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
