If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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