Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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