Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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