Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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