Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
