please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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