I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
