my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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