my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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