all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
