Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize