I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
