just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
