You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The best revenge is premature balding
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
