I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel