dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...