i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
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My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.