I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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