I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
