You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
