the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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