4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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