i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
