new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
